I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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