I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
