so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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