He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
