The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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