Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
