the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
