Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
