she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
