Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
