3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
