Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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