Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
