Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
my being single is dangerous.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
