I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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