he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
