me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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