my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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