you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
