the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
