Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
