Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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