I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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