Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
