in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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