the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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