Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
