dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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