Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
