Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
