I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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