This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
