I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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