I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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