dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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