You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
