Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
