He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
