I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
