my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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