We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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