I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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