i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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