got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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