I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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