So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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