My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
