you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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