my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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