I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
